I hate the paranoia

I have 42 days left until my section. I thought I would get better the further I got along but I am getting worse.

This baby likes to hide away - meaning I feel minimal kicks - not at all reassuring for me. I feel like I am burdening everyone with my worries and bringing everyone else down with me. I wish it was the day before my section.

The first thing I think of every morning is that this will be the last day I am pregnant because it's all going to go wrong. I feel as though I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am trying my hardest to be positive but it's so difficult when I know that there is so much that could still go wrong.

The most annoying thing today is that I was monitored yesterday at the hospital - I was given a ctg for reassurance. But this baby did not want to co-operate at all. I heard the heartbeat but they tried to keep a trace on it twice and it would not play ball! They could only keep a trace for a couple of minutes before the trace was lost - t be fair the midwife tried and tried but in the end we had to give up because they couldn't keep it for long enough to show a trace on paper.

42 days - in one sense it feels like there's no time left really and in another (the bigger sense) it feels like wee still have a lifetime to go before this baby gets here, God willing that it does.

Sorry for my ramblings but they are eating me up so bad inside.

So it's been a month from my last post - I've been trying my hardest to be as positive as I can but it's hard.

I've had 1 good week in the last month that I've managed to be positive every single day, which is good because it's been a long time since I've felt like that. Unfortunately the paranoia is creeping back in day by day. I have a fear that my body is going to let this little one down as well, it's a feeling that I just can't shake.

DF is my rock and I don't know what I would do without him, he somehow manages to get me through each and every day.

Anyway on a positive note I have been given a date for my section, it's on December 17th, that means in 10 weeks a 6 days this little one will be here and in our arms - safe and sound.

Paranoia

I am sooooooo paranoid about things going wrong this time.

I FINALLY told my parents and my younger brother that I am pregnant but have sworn them ALL to secrecy. Now I keep thinking that something will go wrong because I have told people in my family - yes I know how irrational that sounds lol

Today I am suffering with lower back pain, stomach ache and a little nausea. I am sat with my feet up to try and stop it all. I don't know if I have over done it, slept funny or there is something more sinister is going on. If it doesn't ease in a couple of hours I'm going to call my MW and see what she says.

I had an appt with my GP on friday and explained about the hip and leg pain that I have been having - there is a possibility that I have SPD (symphisis pubis dysfunction) oh why can't I just sail through pregnancy lol

I have also made a decision - I originally thought that I would have a c-section at 38 weeks, but I've now decided to push to have one at 37 weeks, there are many reasons for this but one of the main ones is my sanity, I'm struggling so much emotionally at the moment.

On sunday I will be at the same gestation that I delivered Ethan, I'm so convinced that the same thing will happen this time that I just can't see past it.

If I get my wish to have this little one at 37 weeks - I only have another 14 weeks to go - I hope each and every one of them goes by as fast as possible.

I'm back to work on wednesday but I don't think I will be there for very long, I just don't think I can cope with anymore stress right now. We'll see how it goes, I'm going on maternity leave in 6 weeks so I'm going to try and hold out for that long but I don't know if it will work out that way.

Take care xx

Things that have happened this week,,,,,

I COMPLETELY forgot to update this blog after our scan on tuesday, sorry about that.

Everything went really well and baby is looking good at the moment - although I know that this can change I am trying to stay positive. baby is VERY active now and I am feeling regular movements every day now, this helps with the paranoia a bit and gives me a huge amount of reassurance.

I met my parents for lunch yesterday, they were travelling past to stay with friends in the north and being as I haven't seen them since June we took the opportunity to meet up.

I did spill the beans but they are both sworn to secrecy for now. My mom surprised me by being delighted and excited for us, I really thought she would have told me that she felt it was too soon. She reassured me that they are always there for us. My dad was shocked I think, and I could see the look of fear in his eyes. He went very quiet although he did congratulate us several times. I know that he is scared that we are going to face heartbreak again - I told them that we are just taking one day at a time and that we will be praying that God keeps a special eye on this little one.

They both completely understood why we have kept it quiet for so long and have assured me that they won't spill the beans to the rest of the family until we are ready for everyone to know.

So all in all a good week was had - I hope and pray that the weeks continue to be good to us and that this baby thrives and is born just before christmas.

Will keep you posted.

Take care of yourselves xx

Tomorrow is a big day

We have our anomoly scan tomorrow to check everything is ok with baby. Fingers crossed everything is looking healthy :)

We still haven't told anyone although it's getting increasingly difficult to hide my bump lol My parents are driving past on thursday to go visit with friends in the north and I'm hoping to meet up with them. The reason for this is that my brother and his girlfriend are coming to stay with us at the weekend and it doesn't feel "right" that they work things out before my parents know.

Subject to everything being ok tomorrow we are probably going to tell DS this week at some point. I don't want him to overhear any conversations that will let him know that there is another baby on the way. I want us to be the ones to tell him because I am sure that he will have lots of questions about whether everthing is going to be ok this time. I don't know what I will do if things go wrong - I don't want him to have to live through that heartache again. I have made the decision that if things don't have a happy ending this time then there will be no more attempts. This is our only chance to expand our family - I'm not sure we would get through another heartbreak. And I'm certain that I don't want to put everyone through this again.

My attempts at staying positive are going ok at the moment, well that's until baby decides to take a nap and I spend the time waiting for it to wake up lol I love feeling the movements and it gives me the reassurance I need.

When everyone finds out about this little one it's going to be strange that we won't have our "secret" anymore lol it's been quite nice that we haven't shared our news lol

I forced myself to look at some things at the store the other day - necessary items that we will need and although it makes sense to buy a little at a time I just can't make myself do that. I'll be running around the week before I deliver trying to get everything we need for this baby lol

Anyway, keep us in your prayers for tomorrow please - I'll update as soon as I get back from the hospital.

Take care xx

Another Update

Sorry it's been so long - I had every intention of updating earlier in the week but I've been so busy this week.

Paranoia has kicked in BIG style this weekend. I've spent far too much time convincing myself that everything is going wrong again. Not good for me. I've been trying my hardest to stay positive but it's proving more difficult as the weeks go by.

I've reached and passed one goal - I'm over halfl way through now. I'll be having a c-section at 38 weeks so on wednesday it was my half way goal. Next goal is to get to 24 weeks, we lost Ethan at 23+4 so 24 is a huge goal. Not only will it get us past the time that we lost Ethan but also the baby reaches viability at 24 weeks.

I have my anomoly scan on August 19th, fingers crossed that it all goes ok. We still haven't made a decision as to whether we are going to tell my son yet - a friend has offered to watch him while I have my scan if I need her to. I've got 9 days to decide that one.

Our families still don't know either - we weren't goingg to tell them until September but we have members of my family staying with us at the end of August and I don't want them to know before my mom does. Another decision that needs to be made in the next few days lol

I don't think there is much else to catch up on - I still have finished decluttering the house which I want and need to be done by Wednesday. Oh well we shall see lol

Take care xx

Time for another update!!

I am getting a tiny bit excited, for the last week and a half I have been convinced that I have felt the baby moving but my head kept telling me it is faaaaar too early. Well yesterday I felt definite movement. The reassurance is fantastic and I can only hope that everything stays running smoothly til the end. I am trying to enjoy this pregnancy although it's difficult at times because of the negative thoughts that keep nagging in the back of my head.

I have only got another 2 weeks at work and then it's the summer holidays. Just oveer 5 weeks off woooohooooo I can't wait. So much to do in those 5 weeks though. I want to get the house finally sorted out so that I can get registered for childminding asap. I still need to do my first aid course but funds are preventing me at the moment. I also need to complete another sort course before september too. But fingers crossed I won't get any hiccups!!! (probably just jinxed myself hey lol)

The weather is terrible here. You would never in a million years think that it was supposed to be summer because of all the terrible rain we are having. Oh well.

Again not much else has happened recently. My pregnancy exhaustion still hasn't passed completely but it's getting much better, I can function almost like a normal human being for more of the day than I have been able to in recent weeks.

Will post again soon

Take care all

xx

Time for an update!!! LOL

So I've been neglecting my blog - a lot.

I can't believe how fast the last couple of weeks have past.

Everything is going good for now - the baby is doing great, according to the last scan (last week). I'm still very nervous but I'm trying to get through each day the best I can. I can't wait for the tiredness to subside but fortunately that is my only pregnancy symptom so it's kinda nice to have 1. I have my next consultants appointment on 22 July, but unfortunately I don't get a scan at that appointment because they are hoping they will be able to hear the heartbeat through the doppler as I will be 17 weeks by then.

I only have another 3 weeks and 4 days left until the end of term and then it's 6 weeks off until the new school year starts. I can't wait until the end of this term for a number of reasons but mostly so that I can catch up on some much needed sleep.

Not much else has happened recently - well nothing interesting anyway. I promise I will keep this page update more regularly as soon as the exhaustion subsides.

Look after yourself xx

It's been almost a month

since my last post.

What has happened..... let me see, I have had my booking appointment and my first ultrasound - baby's heart was beating just fine (a huge relief because I was convinced that we would be told there was something wrong) so I have relaxed slightly. I have had an appointment with my consultant and he has been very reassuring, I get to have another scan in 3 weeks time.

Our house is in a mess - we are having a new kitchen installed, which will look fab when it's finished - but in the meantime the house looks like a few bombs have gone off here.

My healthy eating has gone out the window for the last 3 weeks - so much for keeping to weightwatchers as much as I can during this pregnancy. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I can get back on the wagon to some degree tomorrow.

We've had some very sad news this morning - my cousin's wife passed away in the early hours of this morning after a battle with cancer - she was 31. She was a wonderful woman who has left a huge gap in a lot of peoples lives. She will be missed greatly. RIP hun - always in our thoughts and prayers xx

I can't think of any other news for now. Promise to update on a more regular basis. Take care of each other, make sure that you let your loved ones know how you feel about them - treasure each and every day that you have with them. xx

WI wk 10

I have finally, FINALLY got to my 10%. I didn't think I would ever get there. I know in light of my last post that my weight loss journey is not as important but I do feel that it's a little important for me to stay on track and focused.

Focusing on not gaining weight is probably going to do me some good as it takes my mind away from worrying and stressing that something could go wrong in this pregnancy, which absolutely is not going to happen!!! I am going to stay positive, well most of the time anyway lol

Everything is going to be absolutely wonderful. I've decided. No ifs buts or maybes, everything s going to be perfect :o)

I haven't posted for a couple of weeks

I have been so so busy.

Quick update on the weight loss - I'v e stayed the same for the last 2 weeks, a little disheartening but at least it's not a gain even if I'm not going in the right direction.

Now for other news - I am pregnant!!!! (Due date 31 December 2008) I'm happy, excited, scared, petrified, worried etc etc. We have decided to keep this pregnancy a secret so you can't tell anyone ok!! lol I haven't managed to keep it a complete secret and of the few people I have told only 1, yes that's right - 1, has shown she is excited for us and she is an extremely good friend to me. The others? well they just don't matter, I'm sure they are thinking that it is too soon after losing Ethan, but despite what they think, this baby was very much planned for and is very very much wanted and loved. We want to keep it a secret from our families because we don't live near mine or DP's family and it will only give them a reason to worry about us even more than they already do. So it's going to be a secret for as long as possible.

I'm already in contact with my GP and she is being extremely supportive - on top of all the other appointments I will be having, she wants to see me once a month just to make sure that I am ok and that I don't have any concerns. At the moment I am trying to be very relaxed but I don't know how long that will last lol

This baby WILL be coming home - I have decided and that's the final word on the matter - we are going to have a happy healthy screaming baby.

WI wk 7

Another 3lbs gone this week, that's 22 in the last 7 weeks. I'm really pleased with that.

Other NSV's ....... yesterday I did my measurements and I have lost a total of 14 inches on my body - today's weigh-in means that I am FINALLY under the 100kgs mark and I have dropped another point on my BMI - making a total of 4 points lost since I started 7 weeks ago. Everything heading in the right direction.

I am staying as positive as I can for as long as I can. I am determined to get to goal no matter how long it takes me. One day I will be able to finally say that I have reached a healthy weight - something I haven't been able to say for many many years!!

We went to the hospital today

We have been to see the consultant to hear the results of Ethan's post mortem.

The consultant (a different one cos mine has moved onto pastures new) said that there was nothing wrong with Ethan. He was structurally perfect and the correct weight for his gestation. There were no chromosome abnormalities. The only thing that they did find was that there were signs of infection in the placenta. Nothing and no-one could have known what was happening to prevent the outcome.

The consultant also discussed care for any future pregnancy/ies. I am to take clexane from the time I find out I am pregnant until I deliver and continue for 6 weeks after birth because although the tests didn't confirm anything they think that my blood coagulation alters in pregnancy. (this decision is based on the loss of my first angel and my history of DVT). I am allowed to choose between c-section and natural delivery (definitely a c-section as first consultant, who is fantastic, told me with my 2nd son that they cannot guarantee the outcome of delivery if I go through labour due to circumstances surrounding the loss of Miles). I asked about any future pregnancies about having steroid injections 48hours and 24hours before delivery and he said that there were no proven benefits to a baby so late in the pregnancy. Although I had them with my second son and it gave me peace of mind so IF I get pregnant again I am going to push for that.

The other thing that has been recommended due to the placenta showing signs of infection is that I will have swabs done at regular intervals and if there is any sign of infection I will be treated with antibiotics.

At the end of the day there was nothing that the consultant could have said to have changed the outcome of what happened. Our son is an angel and we miss him and his big brother with all of our hearts.

WI wk 6

I have been to my parents this weekend and I ALWAYS put on weight when I go down there. Well this time I didn't :) I've lost 3 pounds this week and I have to say I am delighted. This now brings my total to 19 pounds in 6 weeks. An average of just over 3 pounds a week.

I am now only 5 pounds away from my 10% goal and I have given myself until the end of April to do this. I am also only a stone away from the weight I was when I was working night shift a few years ago, but that loss was nothing to do with being aware of what I was eating because I didn't eat, I was too exhausted to eat. This time I know that the weight is going to stay off. I am extremely determined that I am NEVER going to be this size or bigger again!! There it's written for all the world to see, well anyone who stumbles across my ramblings.

I think this week is going to be difficult in as much as I think I'm going to have to make sure that I eat my points. My partner and I have a difficult week ahead. We are going to the hospital on Thursday to get the post mortem results for our son, Ethan. We've known that we would be sent an appointment at some time but it kind of threw us when we got the letter. We have been trying so hard to be positive and now I feel like we have to re-live the whole trauma again. The only positive thing I can pull out of this is that we will get through it together. No matter what happens, we will be there for each other.

Right enough said tonight I think. I'm off to rustle something up to eat (I haven't eaten yet today) . Any ideas what I can have?? lol

Bye for now and take care.

WI wk 5

Well I lost a pound. I'm a bit disappointed I must say but at the end of the day a loss is a loss and it's in the right direction hey?

I went back to work yesterday, the first time back since losing Ethan, it was ok I suppose, well it went as well as it could fro a job that I hate!! I am trying my best to stay positive but sometimes it gets hard. It would be so much easier to hide away from life and not deal with anything. But that isn't an option.

I've been trying to pick myself up off the floor for two days now and don't seem able to succeed. I can't even understand why I am so low at the moment. Maybe I just need a kick up the bum!! lol

Well I think that's enough of my waffling with self pity. Going to sign off now and I'll post again when feeling more positive.

Take care x

I need someone to keep me out of the kitchen!!!

I want to eat everything that is out there, I'm not even hungry..... I hate totm.

I have to go back to work next week, I'm really not looking forward to it at all. I don't like my job in the slightest. I dread getting up on monday mornings and just concentrate on getting to fridays. Then I spend all weekend dreading monday arriving. Oh well at least it pays the bills hey. On a positive note, I'm back for a week and then it's the easter holidays for school so I'm off for 2 weeks.

Other things are looking more positive too, I don't want to say too much because I don't want to jinx anything, but I will post more about that when it happens.

I've been chatting to a few ww'ers in Australia and they are a lot of fun. Thank you so much for letting me gatecrash and making me feel so welcome.

I'm going to sign off now and spend some time trying to plan out my new kitchen, half the fun is in the planning, isn't it? lol

Will post again soon. Take care to anyone who stumbles across these ramblings.

WI wk 4

Oh my goodness - after my sneaky peek at the weekend saying that I had a gain - I lost 2lbs!!! that means that I have reached my mini goal of losing a stone by the time I go to see my parents on 4th April. I have now had to change my mini goal and that is to lose another 2lbs or more by the time I go.

I didn't think I would lose a stone (well just over) in 4 weeks. I had planned to have a complete blow out food wise today - but I don't want to now. I'm going to take my son to the park to play football for a couple of hours instead.

I think I'm still a bit shocked lol

RAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sorry but I needed to do that. I've had a sneaky peek at the scales (yes I know I shouldn't) but it says that I have put on 1lb!!!!! How did that happen? I've been good all week, I haven't gone over my points I have tracked every single thing that has passed my lips (I don't eat/drink anything until I've tracked it). So what has gone wrong? Goodness knows, in the past I have let this lead me off track. But this time is different, I don't know why, this time although I am extremely disappointed, it has made me more determined for next week.

I have been really really busy this week. I have been decorating (feels like I've been decorating forever) but I am slowly getting there. Just need to finish the gloss in the lounge (1 wall of skirting board to go) and gloss in the dining room, then the only room left to sort out it the spare room and that is a small room and won't take very long. My next project is going to be a bit bigger. I'm going to install a new kitchen. Or I should say I am going to finish installing the new kitchen. We started doing it 18 months ago, but OH's Grandma passed away and we had to use the money for the kitchen for flights to go to her funeral. The wall units are in - just need to rip out the base units and replace them and lay the laminate flooring. I'm hoping this will be done in the next couple of months. (depending on funds!!)

My last project is the garden. Oh my goodness that is a huge project. The ground needs ripping up and levelling. I'm thinking of putting in a patio and then a couple of steps down onto the lawn. It's going to take time but I'm hoping that by July it will be taking shape. I might also do something with the piece of lawn at the front of the house too. My reasoning for this is it's going to give me loads of exercise because of the hard graft that is involved in doing it. Hopefully by the end of the summer school term the house will be finished!! Fingers crossed anyway.

Well I have bored all you people for far too long so I'm going to sign off now. I'll post on WI day (Monday)

Weigh-In Week 3

I lost 2lbs. I didn't post this yesterday as I was a little disappointed. I know any loss is a good thing but I really did want the 3lbs to take me to a stone. But onwards and downwards I WILL definitely get it this week.

I can't remember when I last felt this positive regarding losing weight. I'm still focused and determined to shift these extra pounds even though I still have 62lbs to go to get to the top of my healthy BMI range. I know it's not going to happen overnight (even though I wish it would lol) I will get there no matter how long it takes.

I don't have any idea when I was last within a healthy BMI range. I feel like I have always been fat. I don't care that society has an opinion on people who are overweight. I'm not doing this because society thinks I should be of a certain size, I'm doing this for me, for my health. That's why I'm not really bothered how long it takes. I will be healthy, one day!

I'm spending the day painting today, I started decorating the house a couple of weeks ago and things seem to have gotten in the way of me finishing. I desperately want the house to be tidier than it is right now! lol so I'm off to put my painting head on. Will rwrite again soon.

It feels like it was a long time ago since I last posted. I've had a busy week what with one thing and another.

I had a sneaky peek on the scales yesterday morning and it looks like I'm going to stay the same this week. I've been really good and extremely focused (not like me at all) but I think I've been a little "too" good, one day this week I was 17.5 points under what I should have been for the day. It was a particularly busy day and I just didn't get around to eating very much. I think my body has decided that I haven't been feeding it enough so it's holding onto all of my fat!!! lol

On another positive note, I borrowed OH's cycle on friday again. I cycled about 5 miles in 40 minutes and I was really proud of myself. Not only for getting on the cycle in the first place but also because I didn't get off and push the cycle up any of the hills. I was determined I was going to cycle all the way and I stuck to it. This is a huge achievement for me. Can't use it at the moment cos OH has decided to upgrade a couple of the parts and now it's not running the way he wants it too.... he's been working on it for over 8 hours now.

I have made a decision that I am going to take up badminton. My friend wants to play and when I told OH what we were going to do he said he'd like to play as well. Can't be bad... I'm not very good lol but it's exercise and I can't grumble at that. I need to contact the leisure centre and find out prices and when we can book a court.

Well it's weigh-in tomorrow morning, I can't say I'm going to be disappointed if I do stay the same this week, but regardless of the result I am not going to let it deter me from my journey of losing weight. I know that all my efforts are going to improve my health no matter how small the achievement.

Time to go and enjoy my pointed wine now lol I'll post tomorrow with the weigh in result. Good or bad it's all part of the journey.

Today has been and gone too quickly. I had so many plans for today and guess what, I haven't completed any of them. Not one single task that I wanted to do hehe. Makes me feel like I have been extremely lazy, but other stuff got in the way.

I've been really good food wise, I'm focused and haven't gone over my points at all. But this evening the terrible chocolate craving kicked in BIG style. I was in serious danger of going to the shop to get me a bar of choccie. But OH said I had to drive (it's about a 7 minute walk to tesco) and I didn't want to. I managed to get rid of the craving by making some nutella on toast, so I didn't devastate the points in the end.

I went to pick up my current sick note from the doctor today. I asked for a note for 3 weeks as I suppose I should go back to the job I hate. I picked up the note and I see that the doctor has written it for 4 weeks. An extra week, I should be pleased, but I spoke to my boss yesterday and she asked me when I thought I would be going back (yes I know, it's illiegal for her to do that but hey) and I said that it would probably be the 24th of this month. If I decide to stick to that date, it means that I have to go back to the doctors and ask for another certificate to state that I am fit for work. Why is it never straight forward?? I decided on friday to contact a bereavement organisation. I'm not sure if it's for me but maybe it will help me deal with some of my "issues". We are still waiting for news from the hospital with regard to seeing the consultant to find out the results of the post mortem.

I've been feeling kind of "off" today. I don't really know how to explain it. I've achieved nothing, I feel guilty for bouncing off the walls yesterday, I would like to start working for myself rather than having to put my son into breakfast club and arranging for someone else to pick him up while I work at a job I really really dislike - something that I hope will be in place towards the later part of this year. Knowing what I ma like that won't happen!!

Well it's time for me to get myself to bed, will write again soon. Take care! x

Oh My Goodness!!!!

It's weigh-in day.....and......I've lost whopping 6lbs this week!!! I am stunned, amazed, thrilled, excited etc etc.

I can't believe that I have lost 11lbs in 2 weeks, I find myself wishing away the next week just so that I can jump on the scales again.

This boost has put me in a positive mood today. If you have read my other entries you will know that emotionally we are going through a tough time at the moment. But today I am determined to stick with the positive vibe. It's been such a long time since I have felt like this. I feel guilty for feeling like this BUT I feel great right now.

Yes I know I have a very long way to go but I have made a good start I feel like I can really do it this time. Usually by the end of the second week I am faltering and playing around with points, making bad food choices and consoling myself that I can "make up for it another day". But not this time. I want to be skinny, I want to know how it feels to be skinny and I don't really care if it takes me 5 years to get there. One day I WILL be skinny.

I'm off to get some walking in before the rain gets here again.

A sad day

Today would have been my eldest son's 9th birthday. We went and put his flowers on his grave yesterday. DS was out for a few hours (OH and I feel that he has been through enough emotionally in the last few weeks and we didn't want to upset him anymore) and OH and I spent some time with our boys. I've spent all morning wondering what he would look like now, what his personality would be.

The tradition is to have cake, it's something I started from day 1. DS doesn't know why we have cake but it's something that I need to do. Although Joe knows a little about Miles, I have never actually told him too much. I always felt that it was unfair to tell him because he wouldn't really understand and also that it was too much for him to cope with emotionally. Now I really don't think he needs to be told about it, losing Ethan has been extremely hard on him.

OH half is working today but he's been sms-ing me since he left the house. I don't know what I would do without him. He most certainly is my rock. He keeps me going every day and picks me up and puts me back together when I fall to pieces. I'm looking forward to all the hugs I've been promised when he gets home.

Not sure how I'm feeling

Not really sure how I'm feeling today. I'm at home on my own which is never a good thing because I tend to think a lot and at the moment that involves me mentally beating myself.

I've had a reasonable week food wise so far but I am still struggling to eat all my points each day. I've even resorted to a chocolate bar this week to try and get close to my allowance but I just felt that I had let myself down by eating it.

On a slightly positive note, I've just got back from a bike ride. I haven't been on a bike since my teens. But I took the bull by the horns so to speak and went without really thinking about it. OH was impressed that I had used his bike (he's told me several times that I can use it if I choose to).

I started decorating our bedroom last week and I've built a fitted wardrobe into the recess of the room. But because I've been quite busy this week (looking after friend's children) I haven't managed to get everything put away yet. I had every intention of getting up and doing it this morning, but so far nothing has moved. I should really get motivated as all the stuff being "in the way" (it's not really it's all in the spare room) is really beginning to annoy me now.

Anyway enough of me moaning on. I think I will give my gran a call and get to it and sort everything out. I've got clothes that I will never wear again and it's only cluttering the house. TIme to bag it up and ship it out to the charity shop.

A bit about me...

I have created this blog to help through not only my weight loss but also the trauma my partner and I have been going through in the last couple of months.

Although I need to lose weight (I have struggled for years with it), the reason now is the right time is that it gives me something else to focus my mind on.

A bit of history...... almost 9 years ago I gave birth to my first son, Miles, he was stillborn after I had suffered a concealed placental abruption, I also recently found out that I had very severe pre-eclampsia.

Almost a year later I gave birth to my second son, Joe - he's a healthy 8 year old now. I suffered with post-natal depression and my weight increased (I'd gained a lot during my pregnancy).

By the time I joined weightwatchers for the first time I was 23st 6lbs. I managed to lose a lot of weight (approx 9st) and along the way I lost my marriage (I actually lost my rose-tinted glasses and realised what sort of man I was married to!!!)

I met my partner just over 5 years ago, on the internet (yes I was one of the people that didn't believe it happened), the only problem was - I was in the UK and my partner was in South Africa. That changed 15 months after we got together, he moved 6000 miles to be with me. This man is the most fantastic person I have ever ever met.

Last September we were shocked by some news, I discovered I was pregnant. It wasn't a planned pregnancy (I actually found out I was pregnant the day I started a new job lol) but after we had gotten over the shock we were so excited.

Unfortunately life dealt us a cruel blow. On 13th January 2008 I called the midwife saying I hadn't felt our baby moving so much and given my experience with my first child I was very paranoid. She was absolutely brilliant, she came straight round to our house to examine me. But she couldn't hear the heartbeat. We were referred to the hospital for an emergency scan. The miwife did her best to reassure us. On arriving at the hospital I was scanned by one of the doctors, there was no heartbeat.

Oh my goodness I was hysterical, my partner didn't know at this point as we had to take my son with us (we have no family close to where we live) and they were waiting in reception. I couldn't believe that my body had let down another child.

We arranged for my mom to travel the 3 hous to our house to look after little one, so we went home for the night. I went back into hospital on 14th January to be induced and after 11.5 hours of labour our beautiful son was born in the early hours of 15th January. We named him Ethan.

This was 7 weeks and 2 days ago, the pain is very very raw for all of our family, Joe said to me this morning "mommy I'm sad that Ethan isn't here with us, I want my baby brother". He'd only known I was pregnant 3 weeks before - it was his christmas surprise (he's wanted to be a big brother for as long as I can remember) but it has all been taken away from him, from all of us.

My faith has been tested again.

so you see, I need to stay focused. I need to keep reminding myself that maybe if we decide to try for another baby that my body won't neccessarily let it down.

On the outside people see us and think that my partner and I are coping really well, but if anyone was to scratch the surface they would find our family in millions of pieces.

So my focus right now is reducing my weight. I'm off to a good start (even though I'm only in my second week) I lost 5lbs at my first weigh in. The only problem I am having is the struggle to use up all of my points in a day/week. I'm angry at my body for letting down my children so I tend to punish it by giving it things it doesn't like and by making it wait for food when it wants it. But I'm hoping that will change.

So there you go, that's a bit about me. I hope I haven't upset or offended anyone, that was/is never my intention. Like I said, this blog is to try and help me through the tough time we find ourselves in.