I need someone to keep me out of the kitchen!!!

I want to eat everything that is out there, I'm not even hungry..... I hate totm.

I have to go back to work next week, I'm really not looking forward to it at all. I don't like my job in the slightest. I dread getting up on monday mornings and just concentrate on getting to fridays. Then I spend all weekend dreading monday arriving. Oh well at least it pays the bills hey. On a positive note, I'm back for a week and then it's the easter holidays for school so I'm off for 2 weeks.

Other things are looking more positive too, I don't want to say too much because I don't want to jinx anything, but I will post more about that when it happens.

I've been chatting to a few ww'ers in Australia and they are a lot of fun. Thank you so much for letting me gatecrash and making me feel so welcome.

I'm going to sign off now and spend some time trying to plan out my new kitchen, half the fun is in the planning, isn't it? lol

Will post again soon. Take care to anyone who stumbles across these ramblings.

WI wk 4

Oh my goodness - after my sneaky peek at the weekend saying that I had a gain - I lost 2lbs!!! that means that I have reached my mini goal of losing a stone by the time I go to see my parents on 4th April. I have now had to change my mini goal and that is to lose another 2lbs or more by the time I go.

I didn't think I would lose a stone (well just over) in 4 weeks. I had planned to have a complete blow out food wise today - but I don't want to now. I'm going to take my son to the park to play football for a couple of hours instead.

I think I'm still a bit shocked lol

RAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sorry but I needed to do that. I've had a sneaky peek at the scales (yes I know I shouldn't) but it says that I have put on 1lb!!!!! How did that happen? I've been good all week, I haven't gone over my points I have tracked every single thing that has passed my lips (I don't eat/drink anything until I've tracked it). So what has gone wrong? Goodness knows, in the past I have let this lead me off track. But this time is different, I don't know why, this time although I am extremely disappointed, it has made me more determined for next week.

I have been really really busy this week. I have been decorating (feels like I've been decorating forever) but I am slowly getting there. Just need to finish the gloss in the lounge (1 wall of skirting board to go) and gloss in the dining room, then the only room left to sort out it the spare room and that is a small room and won't take very long. My next project is going to be a bit bigger. I'm going to install a new kitchen. Or I should say I am going to finish installing the new kitchen. We started doing it 18 months ago, but OH's Grandma passed away and we had to use the money for the kitchen for flights to go to her funeral. The wall units are in - just need to rip out the base units and replace them and lay the laminate flooring. I'm hoping this will be done in the next couple of months. (depending on funds!!)

My last project is the garden. Oh my goodness that is a huge project. The ground needs ripping up and levelling. I'm thinking of putting in a patio and then a couple of steps down onto the lawn. It's going to take time but I'm hoping that by July it will be taking shape. I might also do something with the piece of lawn at the front of the house too. My reasoning for this is it's going to give me loads of exercise because of the hard graft that is involved in doing it. Hopefully by the end of the summer school term the house will be finished!! Fingers crossed anyway.

Well I have bored all you people for far too long so I'm going to sign off now. I'll post on WI day (Monday)

Weigh-In Week 3

I lost 2lbs. I didn't post this yesterday as I was a little disappointed. I know any loss is a good thing but I really did want the 3lbs to take me to a stone. But onwards and downwards I WILL definitely get it this week.

I can't remember when I last felt this positive regarding losing weight. I'm still focused and determined to shift these extra pounds even though I still have 62lbs to go to get to the top of my healthy BMI range. I know it's not going to happen overnight (even though I wish it would lol) I will get there no matter how long it takes.

I don't have any idea when I was last within a healthy BMI range. I feel like I have always been fat. I don't care that society has an opinion on people who are overweight. I'm not doing this because society thinks I should be of a certain size, I'm doing this for me, for my health. That's why I'm not really bothered how long it takes. I will be healthy, one day!

I'm spending the day painting today, I started decorating the house a couple of weeks ago and things seem to have gotten in the way of me finishing. I desperately want the house to be tidier than it is right now! lol so I'm off to put my painting head on. Will rwrite again soon.

It feels like it was a long time ago since I last posted. I've had a busy week what with one thing and another.

I had a sneaky peek on the scales yesterday morning and it looks like I'm going to stay the same this week. I've been really good and extremely focused (not like me at all) but I think I've been a little "too" good, one day this week I was 17.5 points under what I should have been for the day. It was a particularly busy day and I just didn't get around to eating very much. I think my body has decided that I haven't been feeding it enough so it's holding onto all of my fat!!! lol

On another positive note, I borrowed OH's cycle on friday again. I cycled about 5 miles in 40 minutes and I was really proud of myself. Not only for getting on the cycle in the first place but also because I didn't get off and push the cycle up any of the hills. I was determined I was going to cycle all the way and I stuck to it. This is a huge achievement for me. Can't use it at the moment cos OH has decided to upgrade a couple of the parts and now it's not running the way he wants it too.... he's been working on it for over 8 hours now.

I have made a decision that I am going to take up badminton. My friend wants to play and when I told OH what we were going to do he said he'd like to play as well. Can't be bad... I'm not very good lol but it's exercise and I can't grumble at that. I need to contact the leisure centre and find out prices and when we can book a court.

Well it's weigh-in tomorrow morning, I can't say I'm going to be disappointed if I do stay the same this week, but regardless of the result I am not going to let it deter me from my journey of losing weight. I know that all my efforts are going to improve my health no matter how small the achievement.

Time to go and enjoy my pointed wine now lol I'll post tomorrow with the weigh in result. Good or bad it's all part of the journey.

Today has been and gone too quickly. I had so many plans for today and guess what, I haven't completed any of them. Not one single task that I wanted to do hehe. Makes me feel like I have been extremely lazy, but other stuff got in the way.

I've been really good food wise, I'm focused and haven't gone over my points at all. But this evening the terrible chocolate craving kicked in BIG style. I was in serious danger of going to the shop to get me a bar of choccie. But OH said I had to drive (it's about a 7 minute walk to tesco) and I didn't want to. I managed to get rid of the craving by making some nutella on toast, so I didn't devastate the points in the end.

I went to pick up my current sick note from the doctor today. I asked for a note for 3 weeks as I suppose I should go back to the job I hate. I picked up the note and I see that the doctor has written it for 4 weeks. An extra week, I should be pleased, but I spoke to my boss yesterday and she asked me when I thought I would be going back (yes I know, it's illiegal for her to do that but hey) and I said that it would probably be the 24th of this month. If I decide to stick to that date, it means that I have to go back to the doctors and ask for another certificate to state that I am fit for work. Why is it never straight forward?? I decided on friday to contact a bereavement organisation. I'm not sure if it's for me but maybe it will help me deal with some of my "issues". We are still waiting for news from the hospital with regard to seeing the consultant to find out the results of the post mortem.

I've been feeling kind of "off" today. I don't really know how to explain it. I've achieved nothing, I feel guilty for bouncing off the walls yesterday, I would like to start working for myself rather than having to put my son into breakfast club and arranging for someone else to pick him up while I work at a job I really really dislike - something that I hope will be in place towards the later part of this year. Knowing what I ma like that won't happen!!

Well it's time for me to get myself to bed, will write again soon. Take care! x

Oh My Goodness!!!!

It's weigh-in day.....and......I've lost whopping 6lbs this week!!! I am stunned, amazed, thrilled, excited etc etc.

I can't believe that I have lost 11lbs in 2 weeks, I find myself wishing away the next week just so that I can jump on the scales again.

This boost has put me in a positive mood today. If you have read my other entries you will know that emotionally we are going through a tough time at the moment. But today I am determined to stick with the positive vibe. It's been such a long time since I have felt like this. I feel guilty for feeling like this BUT I feel great right now.

Yes I know I have a very long way to go but I have made a good start I feel like I can really do it this time. Usually by the end of the second week I am faltering and playing around with points, making bad food choices and consoling myself that I can "make up for it another day". But not this time. I want to be skinny, I want to know how it feels to be skinny and I don't really care if it takes me 5 years to get there. One day I WILL be skinny.

I'm off to get some walking in before the rain gets here again.

A sad day

Today would have been my eldest son's 9th birthday. We went and put his flowers on his grave yesterday. DS was out for a few hours (OH and I feel that he has been through enough emotionally in the last few weeks and we didn't want to upset him anymore) and OH and I spent some time with our boys. I've spent all morning wondering what he would look like now, what his personality would be.

The tradition is to have cake, it's something I started from day 1. DS doesn't know why we have cake but it's something that I need to do. Although Joe knows a little about Miles, I have never actually told him too much. I always felt that it was unfair to tell him because he wouldn't really understand and also that it was too much for him to cope with emotionally. Now I really don't think he needs to be told about it, losing Ethan has been extremely hard on him.

OH half is working today but he's been sms-ing me since he left the house. I don't know what I would do without him. He most certainly is my rock. He keeps me going every day and picks me up and puts me back together when I fall to pieces. I'm looking forward to all the hugs I've been promised when he gets home.

Not sure how I'm feeling

Not really sure how I'm feeling today. I'm at home on my own which is never a good thing because I tend to think a lot and at the moment that involves me mentally beating myself.

I've had a reasonable week food wise so far but I am still struggling to eat all my points each day. I've even resorted to a chocolate bar this week to try and get close to my allowance but I just felt that I had let myself down by eating it.

On a slightly positive note, I've just got back from a bike ride. I haven't been on a bike since my teens. But I took the bull by the horns so to speak and went without really thinking about it. OH was impressed that I had used his bike (he's told me several times that I can use it if I choose to).

I started decorating our bedroom last week and I've built a fitted wardrobe into the recess of the room. But because I've been quite busy this week (looking after friend's children) I haven't managed to get everything put away yet. I had every intention of getting up and doing it this morning, but so far nothing has moved. I should really get motivated as all the stuff being "in the way" (it's not really it's all in the spare room) is really beginning to annoy me now.

Anyway enough of me moaning on. I think I will give my gran a call and get to it and sort everything out. I've got clothes that I will never wear again and it's only cluttering the house. TIme to bag it up and ship it out to the charity shop.

A bit about me...

I have created this blog to help through not only my weight loss but also the trauma my partner and I have been going through in the last couple of months.

Although I need to lose weight (I have struggled for years with it), the reason now is the right time is that it gives me something else to focus my mind on.

A bit of history...... almost 9 years ago I gave birth to my first son, Miles, he was stillborn after I had suffered a concealed placental abruption, I also recently found out that I had very severe pre-eclampsia.

Almost a year later I gave birth to my second son, Joe - he's a healthy 8 year old now. I suffered with post-natal depression and my weight increased (I'd gained a lot during my pregnancy).

By the time I joined weightwatchers for the first time I was 23st 6lbs. I managed to lose a lot of weight (approx 9st) and along the way I lost my marriage (I actually lost my rose-tinted glasses and realised what sort of man I was married to!!!)

I met my partner just over 5 years ago, on the internet (yes I was one of the people that didn't believe it happened), the only problem was - I was in the UK and my partner was in South Africa. That changed 15 months after we got together, he moved 6000 miles to be with me. This man is the most fantastic person I have ever ever met.

Last September we were shocked by some news, I discovered I was pregnant. It wasn't a planned pregnancy (I actually found out I was pregnant the day I started a new job lol) but after we had gotten over the shock we were so excited.

Unfortunately life dealt us a cruel blow. On 13th January 2008 I called the midwife saying I hadn't felt our baby moving so much and given my experience with my first child I was very paranoid. She was absolutely brilliant, she came straight round to our house to examine me. But she couldn't hear the heartbeat. We were referred to the hospital for an emergency scan. The miwife did her best to reassure us. On arriving at the hospital I was scanned by one of the doctors, there was no heartbeat.

Oh my goodness I was hysterical, my partner didn't know at this point as we had to take my son with us (we have no family close to where we live) and they were waiting in reception. I couldn't believe that my body had let down another child.

We arranged for my mom to travel the 3 hous to our house to look after little one, so we went home for the night. I went back into hospital on 14th January to be induced and after 11.5 hours of labour our beautiful son was born in the early hours of 15th January. We named him Ethan.

This was 7 weeks and 2 days ago, the pain is very very raw for all of our family, Joe said to me this morning "mommy I'm sad that Ethan isn't here with us, I want my baby brother". He'd only known I was pregnant 3 weeks before - it was his christmas surprise (he's wanted to be a big brother for as long as I can remember) but it has all been taken away from him, from all of us.

My faith has been tested again.

so you see, I need to stay focused. I need to keep reminding myself that maybe if we decide to try for another baby that my body won't neccessarily let it down.

On the outside people see us and think that my partner and I are coping really well, but if anyone was to scratch the surface they would find our family in millions of pieces.

So my focus right now is reducing my weight. I'm off to a good start (even though I'm only in my second week) I lost 5lbs at my first weigh in. The only problem I am having is the struggle to use up all of my points in a day/week. I'm angry at my body for letting down my children so I tend to punish it by giving it things it doesn't like and by making it wait for food when it wants it. But I'm hoping that will change.

So there you go, that's a bit about me. I hope I haven't upset or offended anyone, that was/is never my intention. Like I said, this blog is to try and help me through the tough time we find ourselves in.