I hate the paranoia

I have 42 days left until my section. I thought I would get better the further I got along but I am getting worse.

This baby likes to hide away - meaning I feel minimal kicks - not at all reassuring for me. I feel like I am burdening everyone with my worries and bringing everyone else down with me. I wish it was the day before my section.

The first thing I think of every morning is that this will be the last day I am pregnant because it's all going to go wrong. I feel as though I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am trying my hardest to be positive but it's so difficult when I know that there is so much that could still go wrong.

The most annoying thing today is that I was monitored yesterday at the hospital - I was given a ctg for reassurance. But this baby did not want to co-operate at all. I heard the heartbeat but they tried to keep a trace on it twice and it would not play ball! They could only keep a trace for a couple of minutes before the trace was lost - t be fair the midwife tried and tried but in the end we had to give up because they couldn't keep it for long enough to show a trace on paper.

42 days - in one sense it feels like there's no time left really and in another (the bigger sense) it feels like wee still have a lifetime to go before this baby gets here, God willing that it does.

Sorry for my ramblings but they are eating me up so bad inside.