A bit about me...

I have created this blog to help through not only my weight loss but also the trauma my partner and I have been going through in the last couple of months.

Although I need to lose weight (I have struggled for years with it), the reason now is the right time is that it gives me something else to focus my mind on.

A bit of history...... almost 9 years ago I gave birth to my first son, Miles, he was stillborn after I had suffered a concealed placental abruption, I also recently found out that I had very severe pre-eclampsia.

Almost a year later I gave birth to my second son, Joe - he's a healthy 8 year old now. I suffered with post-natal depression and my weight increased (I'd gained a lot during my pregnancy).

By the time I joined weightwatchers for the first time I was 23st 6lbs. I managed to lose a lot of weight (approx 9st) and along the way I lost my marriage (I actually lost my rose-tinted glasses and realised what sort of man I was married to!!!)

I met my partner just over 5 years ago, on the internet (yes I was one of the people that didn't believe it happened), the only problem was - I was in the UK and my partner was in South Africa. That changed 15 months after we got together, he moved 6000 miles to be with me. This man is the most fantastic person I have ever ever met.

Last September we were shocked by some news, I discovered I was pregnant. It wasn't a planned pregnancy (I actually found out I was pregnant the day I started a new job lol) but after we had gotten over the shock we were so excited.

Unfortunately life dealt us a cruel blow. On 13th January 2008 I called the midwife saying I hadn't felt our baby moving so much and given my experience with my first child I was very paranoid. She was absolutely brilliant, she came straight round to our house to examine me. But she couldn't hear the heartbeat. We were referred to the hospital for an emergency scan. The miwife did her best to reassure us. On arriving at the hospital I was scanned by one of the doctors, there was no heartbeat.

Oh my goodness I was hysterical, my partner didn't know at this point as we had to take my son with us (we have no family close to where we live) and they were waiting in reception. I couldn't believe that my body had let down another child.

We arranged for my mom to travel the 3 hous to our house to look after little one, so we went home for the night. I went back into hospital on 14th January to be induced and after 11.5 hours of labour our beautiful son was born in the early hours of 15th January. We named him Ethan.

This was 7 weeks and 2 days ago, the pain is very very raw for all of our family, Joe said to me this morning "mommy I'm sad that Ethan isn't here with us, I want my baby brother". He'd only known I was pregnant 3 weeks before - it was his christmas surprise (he's wanted to be a big brother for as long as I can remember) but it has all been taken away from him, from all of us.

My faith has been tested again.

so you see, I need to stay focused. I need to keep reminding myself that maybe if we decide to try for another baby that my body won't neccessarily let it down.

On the outside people see us and think that my partner and I are coping really well, but if anyone was to scratch the surface they would find our family in millions of pieces.

So my focus right now is reducing my weight. I'm off to a good start (even though I'm only in my second week) I lost 5lbs at my first weigh in. The only problem I am having is the struggle to use up all of my points in a day/week. I'm angry at my body for letting down my children so I tend to punish it by giving it things it doesn't like and by making it wait for food when it wants it. But I'm hoping that will change.

So there you go, that's a bit about me. I hope I haven't upset or offended anyone, that was/is never my intention. Like I said, this blog is to try and help me through the tough time we find ourselves in.